Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
