I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
