so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
