i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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