then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
