It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize