a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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