How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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