I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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