My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
