kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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