I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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