Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just had sex on a roof
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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