i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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