So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
she looked like the before picture.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize