I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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