I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Randomize
