Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
organizing the empties. That sober.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I am naked and annoyed.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
