My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
