I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
