I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
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