Need sex. Gaining weight.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
