I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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