I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize