Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
