last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
