Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
