I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
