Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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