i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
