I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
