Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
