Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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