My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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