after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
