So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
