My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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