What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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