i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
