I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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