Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
