I think my vagina is haunted
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
