He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
