I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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