3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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