i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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