After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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