Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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