I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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