you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
