I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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