literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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