The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You need a sexual gate keeper
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize