he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize