i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize