There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
