I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
